I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
