Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I enjoy the company of your penis
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
