My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
