Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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