he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
