I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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