im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
