While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize