I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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