she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize