He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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