What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
