checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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