my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
