He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
