I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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