Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
what day is it and did you see me today?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
