planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
