I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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