Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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