So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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