Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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