I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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