I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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