you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
