TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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