So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
