Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
