i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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