Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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