she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
