Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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