how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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