mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
