You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
