saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
