And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
