While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
