When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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