My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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