I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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