weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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