someone threw a dead crab at me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
