it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
