I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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