i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
