The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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