I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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