Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
