I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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