when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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