quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
