If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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