Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
