genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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