Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
