I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize