Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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