My sheets look like a crime scene.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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