So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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