Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
