Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
