i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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