i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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