Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
